the ex or cyst?
2000.09.29 12.55
Found photo of marketing department that's been been putting stupid Anne Murray spiritual music commercials on Cartoon Network.
it's an evolution, not a revolution
2000.09.28 6.59
Watching Anne Murray commercial. Wondering why it's on Cartoon Network. Every 4 hours Anne's inspirational songs start going at it on this channel, effectively horrifying children everywhere. Great example of a marketing department on crack.
Watched This is Spinal Tap from start to finish for first time. Pretty good. You can tell most of it is ad-libbed. Wonder why most of the songs are so good. DVD has over two hours of outtakes. Watching them is like watching the movie. Big Brother contestants should be forced to wear wigs. fake a British accent, and pretend to be in a rock band for last 3 days of show. Couldn't get any worse.
i don't speak spanish, but i can sing it
2000.09.26 11.45
Can't get Partridge Family theme song Come On Get Happy out of my head. Considering labotomy.No accidents on freeway today. Traffic blows. Wondering if I can drive an ambulance to work. HOV lane people speed past me. Need to develop lifelike artificial passengers. Hard to find good fake people. Here are some of an adult nature. Scary. Mannequins would be easier (and cheaper). Weird sites in Japan feature them. Jesus, after researching this for a few minutes, I'm finding photo taking mannequin freaks in Austin. Yikes. Reconsidering ambulance idea.
you gonna eat that?
2000.09.24 10.50
Neighborhood civic association hates me. Got second letter in mail that said, "You'd better mow your lawn right now, or we're going to mail you another letter telling you to mow your lawn!" Can't stop knees from shaking. Bought new lawn mower two weeks ago from Sears. Self propelled and more horsepower than my garage door. Not sure what that means. Too big to mow front lawn, however. Wondering what kind of letter I'll get if I burned all grass in front yard with propane torch.i don't want to turn into a marshmellow
2000.09.23 15.47
Restored missing entry from a week ago. In meantime, receiving junk mail from local bond offices. Bad news travels fast. All heard I skipped out on 'failure to signal' jury trial. Wondering if scary bondsman did his job or if I'm a fugitive. Went into closet to try on jailhouse orange shirts and pants. Plan to walk dog while wearing all orange.Singing in car on way to office today. Purposely sing towards radio to make it look like I'm on a speaker phone. Remembered driving down Westheimer years ago with cute girl in car behind me singing to radio. Feverishly searched radio until finding station to match her lyrics. 93-Q Country. Frowned. Slowed down to let her pass. Memory is still painful.
Tried to buy computer online from Dell on Thursday. OptiPlex 300-something or other. All seemed cool until Dell mailed me this:
there is an issue or an invalid configuration for this system. You chose the CD drive, CDRW, and the LS 120. We can only install two of those three. Please advise which two you need most. Thank youTold Dell I wanted all three anyway. There were drop-downs to pick all three. Later saw tiny instructions on page that say you can't get SuperDisk drive plus two more options. Wanted to write Dell back using same tiny font to tell them what I thought. Their response:
The web sight does not always have the capability to inform you on what is not compatible. In this case we can only install two of the three devises you chose. Please advise as to what you have decided. Thank youWeb sight? Devises? Told Dell to cancel order. Sending Dell a copy of this.
coming in 2001: tooth piercings
2000.09.21 10.59
Found out jury trial for this morning actually happened yesterday morning. Sucks. Called court. Court phone person says, "All the cases for this morning have been dismissed." Dammit! Went to good friend who has tons of tickets. Got card for lawyer. Drove to creepy lawyer's office located right across from courthouse. Got parking meter spot. 25 cents for 2.5 hours. Kick ass. Went into laywers office. Filled out forms. Paid money. Walked to scary bondsman office next door. Filled out more forms. Made thumb-print. Felt like criminal now for my ticket's offense: changing lanes without signaling. Went back into attorney's office with wet thumb. Decided to have attorney take care of upcoming 9/26 arraignment. Paid more money. Attorney secretary says, "If the cops pull you over, just show them these papers." Parking meter read '2.3 hours left' when I got back. Didn't feel like I wasted 23 cents. Stuck bond papers on dashboard for easy access. Drove off. Cell phone rang. Girlfriend was getting speeding ticket. Briefly considered that this was a Houston Police Department conspiracy. After several moments of deep thought, decided, "Nah."Went to Spenser's Gifts at mall. Saw life-like disembodied body parts for sale. Waiting for disembodied head to go on sale for less than $20. Hate waiting. Going to put body parts in visible view of front door window to discourage potential burglars. Plan to train basset hound to walk around yard with disembodied human hand in his mouth. Wondering what kind of doggie treat will accomplish this.
the daily accident #1
2000.09.19 11.59
What did I tell you? Traffic cop directing me around this example of Houston driving got really pissed when I whipped out the camera. Laughed at his crazy hand-waving antics and drove on. Cops are kooky. Dead truck on freeway slowed me down to 2 MPH crawl. Offered to help cop push truck off overpass to improve traffic flow. No response from cop.bless you, dammit
2000.09.18 12.45
Considering starting new section called Daily Driving Accident. Everytime I drive to work there is always a different accident. Sister section to this would be Daily Driving Idiot. This would include brief details of stupid things Houston drivers have done before my eyes. Today some dude U-turns from opposing side at exact moment my light turned green. Wasn't an illegal U-turn, but the timing sucked. Used horn honking skills to punish driver for being stupid and having bad timing.Wrote letter pitching cool business plan ideas to potential client. Found grammatical error after I hit send. Sucks. Hoping potential client has bad reading skills.
Found out Almost Famous did amazing business over weekend. Strange as theater I was at couldn't have had more than 100 people. Maybe people who could have seen it were instead outside having accidents and making ill-timed U-turns.
three way
2000.09.17 12.50
Saw Almost Famous sneak at movies last night. Very kewl. Cameron Crowe's approach to filmmaking integrates period music with scenes that are completely and utterly believable. Not a big crowd at screening. Sad about that. Marketing for movie is being done all wrong. Frances McDormand knocks out the role of the main character's mother. Official movie Web site loads too slow on my crappy Presario Pentium I 50 MHz machine. The chick on movie posters you'll see is supporting character Penny Lane which I think confuses people about plot. Ought to have multi-tiered photos to show more than just Penny character (even though a reflection of another character appears in her glasses, he's not easy to see). Whatever. No "show me the money!" type lines in this one. Best line in entire movie is, "I'M GAY!" Won't spoil any details about that, however, but you won't expect it and you'll laugh your ass off. Realized stewardess uniforms in 70's were hot.Played basketball today. Brought my special man-girl offensive skills to new level. Suddenly realized how to play defense. Catwoman did not scratch me today during play. Girlfriend made several key shots. Former Compaq co-workers were no shows. Won 2, Lost 1. Made last game winning shot. Drove DeLorean to and from game. Decided to call car 'My Toy' from now on. After game was over, I was walking past people at grocery store and abruptly started defending territory. Trying to shake that off. Let several people pass into soft-drink aisle undefended.
nickel teen withdrawal
2000.09.16 14.45
Went out last night to club called Surfside Sally's. Got impression nobody there is really named Sally. Hot tub and wooden decks totally gave me impression I was surfside. Not. Drank Everclear punch from fishbowl. Smoked cigarette. Woke up today hating fish, cigarettes, bowls, red straws and people named Sally. Bought groceries. Remembered Happy Days episode where Richie and Fonzie™ go to grocery store to pick up chicks. Total fiction. Never known a couple who had met while shopping. Cashier-customer relationships abound, but no customer-customer hook-ups. Considering setting up combination job-locator/matchmaking service to take advantage of situation. Superman III and Superman IV on TV today. Both suck. Wondering how movies like that get made where no one stops to think, "Hmmmm... hey, hold on, this sucks." Mailing letter to Warner Brothers recommending they make cheap test movies with stick figure people to check for suckability.funeral arraignments
2000.09.15 12.56
Remembered my first car wreck today. Was driving down two lane asphalt road in 1986. Lots of opposing traffic just sitting in other lane. Kept looking at people inside their cars. Recall thinking, "Ugly. Ugly. Dude. Ugly. Dude. Dude. Ugly." On the cusp of the next ugly I saw that the car I'd been following had stopped. Slammed on my brakes. Smashed up my Corolla's front end. Didn't scratch the guy I hit. Cop was sitting in a patrol car not 50 yards away. Came up and nosed around. No tickets issued. Drove home my beat up car and told my dad. He was cool about it. Almost got hit by people backing out of parking spaces yesterday. Honked my horn at their ass. Scared them. My horn rules. Guy I work with is very big into the horn honking. They should make horns that shout out bleeped obscenities. You could put it in 'Full-On Potty Mouth' mode when you're out in the country or traveling through Dallas.the meaning of life
2000.09.14 11.45
Starving. Feel woozy. Want to eat dead animals and plants. Noticed that whenever I eat chicken on the bone, there is carnage left over. People don't seem to notice the carnage. Chickens have bones. People have bones. Hmmmm. Ordering boneless chicken from now on.real telepathy?
2000.09.13 20.08
Watched Big Brother tonight. Freaked out. Why? Cast was asked to create message to be flown on airplane banner. They picked "LIVE LONG + PROSPER GEB" Glad my initials aren't GEB. Would have scheduled flight to Vegas right then and there. Latin Emmy Awards on now. Spanish is hurting my ears. Getting strange craving for spanish olives. Switched to Star Trek: Voyager. Depressing episode with actor Dwight Schultz as Barclay. Makes me miss The A-Team. Wish I could have been on The A-Team. Would have recommended less jewelry and less colorful clothes to Mr. T. Dreamt once that I was at a bar with Michael Jackson and John Lennon. John was cool. Michael wouldn't listen to my ideas. John played the guitar for me. Michael showed me how to get the jukebox to play tunes for free. Sigh.follow the white rabbit
2000.09.12 18.30
Got yelled at on phone. Plotting revenge by putting together list of everyone who has ever pissed me off. Plan to make them involuntary members of Wrestling Federation of America. Added phone yelling person from today to list. Still room for more wrestlers. Thought about CBS show Big Brother during drive to work. Realized cast on show resembled characters from Star Trek. Came up with following:
| Jamie is Janeway. Drops family to leave on long missions not to be heard from. Into temporal mechanics. Into chick flicks. Recommend that she braid hair Brittany Spears style whenever possible. |
| Eddie is Chakotay. Socially impaired. Works out. Honest. Straight shooter. Recommend him for role in Secret Service protecting Al Gore's nose. |
| William is Tuvok. Emotionless. Disregard for others feelings. It's either his way or the milky way. Recommend that he attend anger management classes and be forced to watch Teletubbies for 48 hours without a break. |
| Brittany is Torres. Bitchy. Snuggley. Built like a Klingon. Weird hair. Ridged. Recommend that she send me personalized photos from her nude Burning Man experience. Trip to Houston Nightclub #'s is also in order. |
| Josh is Lt. Paris. Smug. Repressed. Likes to sulk all day and bemoan. Gets blamed for everything. Recommend that he watch A Clockwork Orange while drinking tequila. In Russia. Not sure why. Bet he's never been to Russia. |
| Curtis is Harry Kim. Into the cuddling. Into Seven. Laughs like he's on speed. Esoteric. Recommend that he get a high profile customer service job at Blockbuster Video. |
| George is Neelix. Chief Moral Officer. Organizer. Furry. Weird hair texture. Comes up with dumb ideas. Likes to cook. Likes to eat. A lot. I mean, look at him. Recommend he not inform future roofer buddies that he was green haired dude from reality show on TV. |
| Karen is Seven. Grumpy. Whiney. Lives to complain. Resistance is futile. Calculating. Last interesting freak left in house and now gone. Recommend putting her back into house but giving her $50,000 cash for doing so. Catch? She has to keep the cash in giant pockets. |
| Jordan is Kess. Young. Curvy. Did I mention young? Dudes dig her. Got kicked off ship just when she started getting interesting. Recommend she hook up with Brittany and star in cheesy Showtime After Dark movie. |
| Cassandra is Guinan. Okay, different series, sue me. But check it. Wise. Knowledgeable. Makes big deal with her hair. Keeps history to herself. Recommend she tour colleges giving speech on "How To Live Alongside The Insane." |
Star Trek is trademarked by Paramount Pictures. Big Brother is maybe a trademark of CBS (or maybe George Orwell). I'm not affiliated with them. So there.
do you think that's air you're breathing?
2000.09.11 12.11
Found picture of me on #'s Web site. Top left-hand corner. Moved to new server. Finally off MarkyMark.com domain. New domain is MarkShields.com or MarkShields.net. DNS will propagate tomorrow. If things look broke, give me time. Moving ain't easy.Uneventful weekend. Saw The Cell. Cringed at "hanging from chains" part and "intestines wound on rotisserie" part of film. Watched Tim Meadows salute episode of Saturday Night Live. Best skits were with Christopher Walken and Christina Ricci. Christina Ricci. Mmmmmm. Scary drive to work today. Two Second rule does not apply during rush hour in Houston. Saw big eighteen wheeler slam on brakes and spew burnt rubber. Invented Three Second Rule. Drove with big ass gap ahead of my car. Cars behind me were pissed and honked. Pondered inventing Four Second Rule to spite them. Bought Lotto Texas tickets on Saturday. Haven't checked numbers yet. Somebody won 60 mill in Richardson, TX. Heard that Richardson is a terrible place. Two second rule probably never comes into play there.
back
2000.09.08 14.15
Wanted to drive DeLorean this morning. Battery was hosed. Jumped it. Drove two miles. Drew usual number of stares. Want to fix door and radiator issues. Want to win 59 million Lotto Jackpot tomorrow. Want to write and direct movies. Want to live in an Atlas Missile Silo. Abandoned sites exist. People have advice. They're in the news. Wonder if I could do same thing with an abandoned Kroger.are you hecka stupid?
2000.09.07 11.29
Bored. Went to domainsurfer.com and typed in stupid. Found this.Watched first half of Sleeper last night. Woody Allen used to be weirder. Now people call him 'nebbish' on a regular basis. He used to be a freak. Hoping I don't lose my freak powers. Hoping I don't marry my wife's adopted child, either. Love is a freak, too. Wondering if I can use freak powers to bend my car fender back into place. Last time I saw Sleeper I was four years old on a plane headed for Beirut, Lebanon. Keanu Reeves was born in Beirut. Saw lots of funeral parades down street. Giant casket paraded in air and held by friends and family. Hundreds of sad people walking down street alongside casket. What a cool way to start your dirt nap.
the holiday bawl / tique toque
2000.09.06 15.40
Found buried link to Steven's & Pruitt Holiday Ball photos. Not bad. Heard stories and tales about The Ball. Yay. All true.Saw Dogma last night. Freakin' hilarious. Laughed hard. Recommend it. Yesterday was cool. Walked my dog around block. Didn't use a leash. Dog listens and complies to commands. Wondering how dog learned English. Plan to walk dog again tomorrow and issue commands in French.
major league / been down that road b4
2000.09.05 13.45
Found link to cussin' Bush. Remembered other stuff I did last week. Hadn't showered in two days. Had to fix busted pipe in wall. Removed outside wall first. Then insulation. Got stung by bee. Shrieked in pain. Iced down hand. Cringed like little girl when bugs inside wall scurried out in fear. Cut out bad piece. Cut new piece. Cut hand. Spent 30 minutes trying to put new piece on with bleeding hand. Spent another 30 minutes melting solder with propane torch onto pipe. Solder wouldn't seal. Kept dripping off pipe. Grunted in agony. Torch kept blowing out from wind. Ran out of matches. Grunted in agony again. Bought cool ass lighter from corner store. Spent next 15 minutes on web researching 'How To Solder Pipe.' Went back to pipe. Heated the s**t out of pipe with torch. Solder then decided it was cool with me. Capillary action kicks ass. Solder sealed pipe. I quickly re-attached outside wall with fast drill and jumped into shower. Kissed shower head.The Texas governor was unaware his microphone was live when he leaned over to his running mate, Dick Cheney, at a Labor Day rally and said, "There's Andy Clymer, major-league asshole from the New York Times."
Cheney replied, "Oh yeah, he is, big-time."
George Bush kicks ass. In other news. Got The Matrix on DVD Thursday. Watched it three times. Once with actor/editor commentary. Once normal. Once with composer commentary. Thursday night I dreamt of watching a version with Ross Perot commentary. Perot kept recognizing the Agents as his bodyguards. "Now, look there, that's Fred Gantry, my secret service agent from 1992!" Didn't do much during weekend. Accidentally scraped garage door against my Eclipse hood. Ugh. Washing and waxing helped some. Buffed off paint from garage pole incident. Tried to bend back dent with hand. Didn't work. Hand hurts. Played basketball on Labor Day. Lost twice. Got scratched by Violett. Didn't call foul. Wonder how quickly I can grow out my nails before next game. Want to see The Cell. Rented Dogma and Sleeper on DVD. Still haven't watched them. Due back Friday. Need to pay bills. Does the fun ever start? Bought basketball from Toys R Us. Couldn't locate purple baby. Planning return trip.
